Vampires Have Issues

Had a lot of very vivid dreams last night.

I started out subbing for an elementary school math class. There was an assistant teacher there who didn't expect me. I think she was upset she didn't have full run of the class and had to listen to what me despite being better trained. I ended up just teaching the kids how to read/write Japanese numbers.

Leaving the school I headed to a parking structure. I feel like either they were demoing a new elevator system or they were filming a commercial. Something was happening. Anyways, to one side they had an escalator and to another they had this weird chair thing you could ride up in. The catch was if you took the chair once you got to your level you had to do a pull-up to get out of the chair and onto the floor. So a lot of people were taking the chair only to come back down and take the escalator. The guy running the building was trying to make some point about exercise. I think. Maybe he was just a dick. Naturally I took the chair and when I did some other handsome young guy joined me.

It turned out I didn't have a car. I just went up to the 2nd level of the structure because it had a street level exit near where I was headed. I walk out and I'm in downtown San Francisco and I walked over to my friends who were standing in a long line down a really steep street. They were all waiting to go into a comic book store where they were giving away limited edition figures. However, in order to get a figure you needed a special ticket that could only be obtained from a street kart food vendor. So my friends told me to go talk to the guy and see if he had any left. I ran up the street past maybe 50 or 60 other people standing in line and reached the food stand/kart. There were two kids there, brothers, and the older one (maybe 9 years old) looked really mean and ratty. He was very rude to the vendor and at one point I thought he was trying to get his younger sibling to steal something. The vendor noticed this too and so the kid just paid for everything and left.

I explained to the guy that I was looking for tickets for the figure giveaway and he told me he was supposed to hand them out to people in line but forgot. He hands me two large bags filled with photographs and a few VHS tapes. He says that on certain photos there's a symbol painted on. I'm to hand these out to the people in line and whoever gets a photo or tape with the symbol can get one of the free toys. He told me not to go looking for photos with the secret symbol as that would be cheating. I asked him if I could just keep the pictures as I really like photos taken by strangers and I wanted to make a collage. He said I couldn't.

The next part of my dream took place in a comedy club. I was standing towards the back of a small crowd in a weird room that looked like it was a set for a 1970's talk show. On stage was a really funky looking band. Their instruments looked like they were made by lazy steampunk enthusiasts. The guitarist I recognized. He was a child star who I had assumed passed away long ago. He looked like he'd suffered from drug abuse I was happy to see him alive.

Finally the comedian came out. He looked like a cross between John Malkovich and George Carlin, he was on roller skates and was wearing a short sequin miniskirt and a matching halter top. I believe I was the performance with Zoe and she commented that she didn't know he was gay and I said that he wasn't gay just weird and had been dressing like this for a long time.

The last part of my dream was the most intense and possibly the strangest. I was in this dark mansion. It had marble floors and a huge marble fireplace. I was being held there by a vampire. Spoiler: I was also a vampire. He was massive and covered in rippling muscles  he had long dark thick hair and strong chiseled features. By contrast I was tall and lanky and very pail and I had shorter blond hair.
Though we were both vampires I was terrified of him. He was an ancient vampire. He was also obsessed with a human woman. His obsession choked, cracked, and crumbled his immortal heart. I was being held captive while he grilled me with questions about the woman. Knowing no answers I gave would satisfy him I waited for his sanity to finally give and for him to kill me.

We talked about turning her and at one point he talked about giving up drinking blood at some sort of fasting ritual to prove his love for the mortal. At one point he mentioned drinking my blood but I told him I didn't think drinking another vampire's blood would do him much good.

He ended the conversation by pulling out a huge knife, shoving it through his forearm and licking up his blood.

Did I mention throughout all this we were both shirtless?

Hey Abbot! I think I shot Lincoln!

I guess rehearsals are starting to affect my dreams. Last night I was dreaming about being in the haunted house and while I'm not so clear on the specifics there was a whole Abbot and Costello thing going on and I remember telling President Lincoln that it was an honor to serve him moments before he was shot. Though maybe it was all part of the show.

But that all came later. My first dream took place in Japan. I was part of a group that was pulling some kind of heist. All I can really remember was there were three of us, two guys and a girl and we had to jump onto a train... Or something. No, that's right... But that's all I really remember. I know there was more and that in the dream there was a lot of detail. Well I do recall that the platform was attached to a skyscraper high above the ground. I recall that the girl was in charge of the group. And I recall a certain feeling of desperation. But that's about it.

Oh well, maybe I'll remember more tomorrow.

What can I say, I made a hot chick!

It seems that at some point every night I'll dream about running away from someone/thing and possibly getting into a firefight of some sort. Last night was no different although the details remain somewhat faded in the haze that is my morning.

I remember a steep hill sparsely covered with brush. I remember a high speed chase and a giant mechanical sphere. I believe sniper rifles were involved. It was intense.

After that I dreamt of a movie set. I do that a lot these days. It was getting to be night and we had all just been informed that while some people were being cut most of us were going to have to stay the night. I was excited at the prospect of extra pay though a little worried that my ride was cut and I'd have to find a new way home.

After awhile a PA came over and saw me and got angry. Apparently I was supposed to still have a beard and I had just shaved the night before. The walked off in a huff saying they'd figure something out. I was then brought over to see the director, none other than Philip Seymour Hoffman! He seemed annoyed that I didn't look like I was supposed to and he began quizzing me on my favorite movies. I can't remember what I said to the man, only that I couldn't believe he was actually talking to me.

I went back to where the other extras were, though I'm not sure if I was an extra in this film or had just been demoted to one. At any rate there were several girls there who quickly surrounded me and began remaking me into a woman. They said with my long hair I'd make a beautiful girl and then they could use me again in the film. Well they weren't lying, when they were done with me my hair was all feathered and blonde and looked amazing and somehow my lips got more full and I looked like a woman. I actually looked a lot like an Ex of mine...

Flash forward to the filming day being done and I'm walking out into a parking lot, still dressed like a lady, and who do I run into but the Ex that I look like! Apparently seeing herself was a huge turn on and she took it as a sign that I wanted to get back together with her. So she walks up to me and gives me a huge embrace and she starts kissing me. While that is happening my current girlfriend arrives on the scene and just watches. I pull away from the Ex and try to explain to my girlfriend what is going on. She seems nonplussed about the whole thing and I'm just standing there confused. They start talking and I think they work something out so that if I'm dressed up like the Ex she can have me and when I'm dressed like "me" then my girlfriend gets me.

I dunno. I don't know what to say about that.

Cookie Clicker Murders

I feel like I have to finally admit that I have some serious emotional problems when I can have an intense vivid dream about Cookie Clicker that turns into some sort of intense escape action movie where I end up murdering a bunch of defenseless people with an axe.

It was weird. Though I did think up some cool ideas for what Orteil can do with his dungeons add-on. Just sayin'.

Anyways, yeah so I'm honestly not sure what was going on but I was in this huge office building trying to escape. At first I had a machine gun and was being shot at by various "baddies" and I was doing a fair enough job firing back. At some point my gun broke and that section of the dream started over. That happened a few times but each time my gun would get worse and break quicker and quicker. Eventually I was trying to escape with no weapons and I had to steal one. I found this long ass polearm/axe thing and managed to do well killing people with that. The fucked up thing though was that once I picked up the polearm most of the people turned into unarmed innocents. However, I didn't really realize that and still felt threatened by the whole situation so I just went around hitting people with the axe. Most people would just get a nice little cut on their head or wherever I would hit them but regardless of how innocuous the hit seemed it would kill them. Some people got hit in the neck and their head would just fall off. It was pretty terrible and after awhile I started to feel bad.

Yeah. Weird shit. But y'know dreams are like that sometime.

Meat Bag

Okay so I remember at some point someone died. It was in a car. I may have killed them. Dream Memory is fuzzy. I do believe at one point a girl was flirting with me. We'll say she was cute just because.

Anyways, what I do remember is being on the run from some movie executive or something and this kid dressed like a Lost Boy leading me into some secret passage located in a tree trunk. We were supposedly in some ancient land of swords and sorcery yet when we got into the underground lair there were all these old iMacs (think the ones that looked like lamps).

I'm not too clear on what we were doing down there, but I do remember there being this big room and a bunch of people in a line wrapping around this large wood table-thing. They were all getting ready to sign some document and everyone had some special way of signing it. Most of them were really creative and artistic, it was neat.

So the kid who brought me down pulled me away from the line. Apparently the people collecting signatures were bad people? Who knows. We go outside and it's a classic winter wonderland out there. We head over to a track and we're part of this big relay race. It's like 30 of us all running together and we've got to keep passing this thin plastic bag filled with pink meat sludge between us. We're going and doing fine and everyone is passing the bag, all except for this one kid. There's one in the group (of course there is) who is obviously not very coordinated and no one wants to pass the bag to him. Fair enough, who knows what horrible things will happen to us if we toss him the bag and he drops it or worse it breaks.

Well, guess what happens? We're just about done with the race and I can see the finish when someone drops the bag. It goes sliding on the ice heading straight for, you guessed it, clumsy kid. At this point everything in the dream slowed down and I started having this intense internal monologue where I told myself it would be so awesome if the klutz kid someone grabbed the bag and made a pass across the finish line winning us the race. And what happens? The kid picks up the bag while it's sliding all over the place, he performs a spectacular jump over a huge rock in the middle of the path, and then mid-air passes the bag to the lead runner.

It was totally out of some early 1990's tweenspirational movie like Heavy Weights or The Mighty Ducks. It was awesome. We all picked up the kid and were cheering for him.

And then I woke up.

Boombox Brassiere

I need to get better about writing these down first thing when I wake up. What I remember is being in a huge hotel/apartment type building. I was in a group of people trying to overthrow a president or something. Maybe we were just trying to get some dirt on a public figure. Either way, we had this recording device.

Edit: Again I left this to be updated later, hopefully while I still remembered the dream, and I didn't do that. I apologize to everyone involved.

I Think There Was A War?

Last night I had a lot of dreams. A lot of dreams that I can't remember. I woke up around 8:30am and as of late my brain has been hitting the ground running as soon as I'm awake. Thoughts flying around at full-speed. It makes it difficult to remember everything I dreamed the night before. Luckily I decided to go back to sleep and woke up a lazy 5 hours later and was able to remember bits and pieces of that dream. In it...

EDIT: I never finished this post and now, a full month later, I have no idea what this dream was about.

Brain Arteries and the Casino Getaway

Hello reader! Welcome to my Dream Journal. This is the place were I will be collecting my recollections of my dreams as best I can. That's it. Pretty simple. So come along and see what's inside my crazy brain. Last night I crashed super hard. I worked a half-day substituting then I went and did an intense workout with some friends at Johnson Field and then last night I photographed back-to-back performances of The Show. Needless to say I was pretty wiped and crashed out hard. I was engaged in an epic space battle. Huge fleets of spaceships lay scattered across the sky. Some of the spaceships were large cubes much like the Borg ship while others looked more like an imperial class star destroyer. The fight wasn't going well for my side. My friend Matya and I tried to come up with some sort of strategy to defeat our enemies but neither of us is really equipped for that (a comedian and a web-comic artist??) so we sorta just ended up wandering around the ship for awhile. Well it turned out that the lead general and his 2nd in command were on the same ship as us. I guess we were both conducting the battle form the same base? Anyways, running into them around the cantina area of the battleship was awkward to say the least. At one point I was passing the 2nd in command on the stairs and he pulled a knife on me and tried to stab me. I deflected his first attack but then he managed to stab me in the head. He didn't kill me but rather he somehow pulled this thick artery that went from my brain down my neck out and then severed it. He then smugly walked away. So here I am with this thick bleeding artery hanging outside my body and I'm freaking out trying to reconnect the two ends. Blood is going everywhere and I'm freaking out trying to not die here. Eventually I get the bright idea to pinch off the two ends, which is great because it stops the bleeding, but it's bad because now I'm worried about adequate blood getting to my brain and also, what happens if the end clots up? Will that blood clot run up to my brain? I'm running around holding onto these two bloody cords freaking out because I know I can't afford to go to a hospital on a spaceship (THANKS OBAMA!) and also because I'm supposed to be fighting a war. Next dream.